For Consideration (and honesty, and patience)

I wrote my own interpretation/ reaction to this poem, which I may post at a later time, but for now, I'd like to share it for your own reflection. You may gain much from giving it time and honest consideration. Enjoy...

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time -Robert Herrick

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting .

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

Tragedy of False Comedy

The truth is, my heart is broken. May I sing "Will I lose my dignity? will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" and then watch others forfeit their dignity before my eyes and not feel heartbroken? The bell tolls for me, too- theirs is my pain and my loss. I mean theatre. Something so simple, so un-important ("oh, is that all?") yes? But not. In it, as in all poesy, is life... and I feel we have lost sight of the -dignity we even might have- that we even might wish to have. Why should I not feel heartbroken? 

To say what I really mean, I turn to Sir Philip Sidney. 

"Only this much is now to be said, that the comedy is the imitation of the common errors of our life, which he (comedy) representeth in the most ridiculous and scornful sort that may be, so as it is impossible that any beholder can be content to be such a one. Now, as in geometry the oblique must be known as well as the right, and in arithmetic the odd as well as the even, so in the actions of our life who seeth not the filthiness of evil wanteth (lacks) a great foil* to perceive the beauty of virtue...whereto yet nothing can more open his eyes than to find his own actions contemptibly set forth." (Though, of course, to truly succeed in comedy, the "poets" creating it must understand this as the the aim of their work- and not merely enjoy the baseness of they mirror they hold, which due to lack of any true understanding, is devoid even any actual or intentionally-placed roots of applicability to the viewer!) ..."But our comedians think there is no delight without laughter; which is very wrong...for delight we scarcely do but in things that have a conveniencey(agreement, correspondence) to ourselves or to the general nature.... I speak to this purpose, that in the end of all the comical part be not upon such scornful matters as stir laughter only, but, mixed with it, that delightful teaching which is the end (aim, purpose, goal) of poesy. And the great fault even in that point of laughter...is that they stir laughter in sinful things, which are rather execrable (wretched) than ridiculous, or in miserable, which are rather to be pitied than scorned." (From The Defense of Poesy) 

foil: a character who, through contrast, emphasizes the characteristics of another character.

 I chose this picture for the Beauty it reminds me of.  Images, realities like this, are gifts of clarity to remind of the passion, beauty, and dignity, and potential of our lives ~

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people." 
               -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
              - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Do Not Be Afraid

Life is complex, beautiful, awful, terrifying, miraculously fulfilling. I am awed by the potential of hope when I experience it, and my goal is to encounter it on a daily basis as a part of the method of actually living my life. I don't want to settle. And I don' want to give up either. 

"Non avere paura- di cosa cercati esiste." That is completely wrong, I know, but it is all I can remember from a T-shirt I saw in Italy: "Do not be afraid: what you are searching for exists." Even if I can't find it, or even if I can't contain it all at once, it does exist, and that, for now, is cause for hope, and even excitement, and even joy. 

So in the meantime, shower and goodnight. 

"You are not alone. No one is alone." -Into the Woods 

Rest in a Moment of Hope

I could not possibly be more blessed, or thankful, for the support, and kindness, and love, and wisdom I am surrounded with. 

Something is aroused within you and you must hearken to it. This takes the greatest courage and will to allow yourself to receive the largest rewards - of not looking ahead to the next moment in fear for the unknown, but to REST in this moment where you know you are safe, and loved, and happy.

That was what I wrote last night. Let me try again, quickly, to see if I can be more clear (if more drawn out)...

After great despair and heaviness, you are given great hope through immensely graceful love and words of kindness and wisdom bestowed upon your ear, and it seems it is a message from God, a single beam of light that lights up your world. For a moment. You hear the music. Everything seems okay. -And that's alright- Don't look ahead. Don't remind yourself that more problems will come, that you still have a whole journey to make it through, that each day brings trials and problems and challenges and growth and often pain or confusion or difficult decisions. Yes...this is true. But don't force yourself to look ahead to those unknown times to come! Rest in a moment of hope. It is okay to hope. You must allow yourself to hope. 

"You are only at the end of one question mark of your life. You're going to keep changing, growing, discovering, exploring. Right now you're in such a strained, difficult environment, it's hard to know what to do with yourself...We all go through these awful, awkward stages in our lives... Your life feels topsy-turvy right now; nothing makes sense and everything seems to be working against you, but I feel content in my heart right now that things will work out for the better." 

Thank you. I won't look ahead. I'll try not to be afraid. I'll try to rest. I'll hold to hope. 

Goodnight 

www.stolaf.edu/people/ murphye/hyperpoem/sun.html

Sorry.

Psalm 43:5: ‘Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God."

Dejavu 

Oh my gosh. I feel like this happened before. Every little detail of what happened and wanting to write this sentence, and thinking I did it in Italy, and saying "even looking for the quotes." 

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. 
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. 
Martin Luther King, Jr.

(and how much less I have to be bitter about than the man who wrote those words!) 

Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon. which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him. 
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. 
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal. 
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Things about myself I do not like: 

-I feel relieved when someone I dislike is looked on negatively 

-I have become OK with DISliking someone; I never seek out the good in them 

-I feel insecure when people interpret me as afraid, holding back, or having some sort of problem ; I resent negative comments about myself 

-I'm treating this semester like my "last" everything, and so I think I have the right to be able to enjoy things how I want them. In a way, it is my "last," but it's not the last of my LIFE 

I want to chill out. I want to enjoy. I want to be happy. I want to not be angry. I want to not feel hurt and disreguarded. I want to get along with people. I want to not have to deal with so much...confusion. I hate how I feel right now.

I'm going to bed.

(sorry).

          alwaysnewmistakes.wordpress.com/.../

To Give Thanks :)

Two beautiful days. How thankful I am that I was gifted with such greatness :)

Yesterday:long-desired hot-dogs; swinging in the fresh air; a long walk in the sunset- the sweet gift of sharing and listening (I pretty much occupied myself with the first part, and I thank you); sitting to watch a burning sunset of orange and pink pastels streaking from the horizon...

Side note: Andrew said pastel means "cake" in Spanish, which -for some reason- immediately caused me to imagine coloring a blank white cake with colored pastels. "I'm going to eat this pastel-" "No! It really is pastel!" ;D 

                    

... Fun, yummy dinner with lots of laughter; amazingly fun time of board games 

Side Note #2: For those interested to know, you would be most likely to find a grapefruit in Texas, the "mouse" is the only rodent-named item of a computer, and you do not use dice when playing hopscotch! -From "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Junior ;D ) 

Side Note #3: Not only did I win "Scrabble" for the first time in my life, but I learned that a foon is an eating utensil that combines a fork and a spoon. Furthermore, it is an item VVHS students who regularly brave the cafeteria line should be well-familiar with since  it seems to be the utensil of choice, probably owing to the money it saves APS by reducing the need to buy both spoons AND forks, which would be very inconvenient (for them) considering they serve extremely miss-matched, multi-ethnic foods which often include both liquids and solids (such as green beans, corn bread, and Chinese orange chicken) all in the course of one day's lunch. (  Learned many other words but they all seem to have slipped from the section of information my mind is cabable of retaining at the moment- though I feel certain I would recognize them in context ;) )

Moving on to today,  Andrew treated my family to a simply DELECTABLE (delightful; highly pleasing; enjoyable; delicious) breakfast which he made (with my encouraging back-up help-though encouraging doesn't make the rolls I made any less burnt- and my mom's skillful, speedy advice and assistance). The menu consisted of a pre-breakfast appetizer of a scrumptious fruit salad composed of cantaloupe, mandarin oranges, blueberries, apples, and kiwi, and a main course of 13 eggs frothily churned with precisely-proportioned milk and cheeze, perfectly crisp hashbrowns (hand-graded, de-moisturized, buttered, and carefully-watched and flipped by the chef himself), burnt but buono biscuits bought and baked by yours truly, and orange juice- a whole two liters of it, consumed to the last drop.  Simply scrumptious, and as filled with love as it was flavor  :)

A productive day made lethargic by the gloomy weather but taken advantage of through homework diligence and priceless massages of great comfort and care. A WONDERFUL dinner with my family -creamy chicken and spinach over white rice, with apple juice and toasted croissants =). And now: an over-ly done but quite enjoyable blogging session that is much more interesting than simply writing in a journal (thanks to the use of pictures, colored fonts, and the much-appreciated support of readers like you!), and RAIN ~

I will go now to lie peacefully and listen to its refreshing music of falling. As Andrew encouragingly posted a few days ago, so I repeat now in deep hopes that it will prove true:

"Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely." -Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Picture Credits 

pastels: pebblestorm.com/2008/ 11/29/sketch-evolution/ 

cake: babyparenting.about.com

foon: threeordinaryguys.com/ shop/index.php?main_pag...

scrabble pillows: bedzine.com

Spirit of Adventure

I watched "UP" tonight with Melanie, and though it made me cry, and left me feeling overall sad... I guess I also learned a lot. 

After telling Carl about his special time of eating ice cream and playing the count-the-car-game with his dad, Russell said, "It may sound boring but...it's the boring stuff that I remember the most." Something like that. I guess I really don't have much to say. That, to me, is a wonderful truth. It was the "small, boring stuff" that filled Ellie's and Carl's life together. Sorry; I don't mean to take it so seriously, I mean I know it's just a cartoon...but at the same time, I felt tonight that what it was actually showing was the meaning of life. Ellie was happy with her life, satisfied, not regretful or sad or upset- she didn't get to go on any big adventures...but the real adventure was living their "normal" lives day after day. They did it together.  Their lives were filled with love, and that was enough; they were happy. 

Not only is it a love story, but it's a life story. At one of the lowest points in the movie, when Carl has to throw everything out of his house so it will float again, Mel and I both appreciated the symbolism of having to let go in order to move on. He hadn't really said goodbye to Ellie, yet; he was filled with nastalgia and fear; he surrounded himself with memmories, but he stopped living his own life. 

I know I do that: surround myself with nostalgic memmories of times when everything felt okay. Or feel completely lost without my "things," my "house," the symbols of my security, that the thought of facing the future without them makes me feel hopeless and lost. 

I do feel a bit lost right now, on the whole. It's easy to feel lost when you think about the future too much. A day is going "badly," and I feel overwhelmed with all that I have to do, and I feel like I'm losing all my securities, and the storm is popping all my baloons and nothing is going according to my plan- then to think of days ahead, 1 day, 5 days, 2 weeks, a few months, a year, 10 years... it's a bad idea; it can seem a bit hopless and terribly heartbreaking if you happen to feel alone when you "project" into how your life may end up.  What a foolish thing to do. 

(This picture doesn't have to do with any idea in particular- I just think it's really cool/cute- and I want to see them and take a picture with them! With Andrew, Brian, Areli, Jessica, Rachel, and Anthony! :') ) 

Just keep chugging

This is for me, not for "you," so I'll stop apologizing for how boring it is; "checking in" at the end of the day keeps me accountable and reminds me there's a whole other world out there...

So quite basically, today was very difficult. I had a tough time dealing with people and tasks and starting homework seemed impossible with everything on my mind. I went to Maraposa park and worked out though; I ran and used their outdoor workout equipment. When I came back I felt cleansed, calmed and content. I didn't get as much done as I needed to (I'm going to go work on some now), and I am truly quite frightened by the amount of AP English and AP Government work it seems I will have this semester...on top of the senior project. When added to the prospect of dealing with the looming chaos of a play, it is honestly terrifying, overwhelming, impossible; I'm also going to be trying to do an internship and get the hours for NHS that I need... wow.

So quite basically, this is pretty difficult. I'm having a tough time dealing with all of the different imputs of chaos. I said over the break that we naturally protect yourself from things like chaos (of many kinds) by disconnecting. Well, disconnecting is the opposite of my goal: my goal is awareness, involvement in my own existence. So... so this is going to be a challenge. It's going to be pretty hard. I have so little patience with people and they're problems as of late, probably mostly because I feel like it's pointless to try to convince people to do better for themselves if they won't let themselves listen; if they won't make the choice to make better decisions to help themselves, why should I spend my time and emotion trying to do for them what they won't even accept in themselves? This makes me feel hard and cold and without much empathy or compassion. I wish I could just have some time to try to allow compassion to ebb back into me without having to go to school the next day and be faced with situations where I have to practice it. It's all a bit complicated.

Laughter is wonderful, though. I love it. It makes me want more and more. It makes it hard to go home and do homework because all I want is more laughter; I want to follow it and spend all my time enjoying it's carefree comfort.

I want to cope. I want to handle these classes, these endeavors, these tasks. I want to handle myself and take care of myself, and keep things in balance. It's a lot to try to do. Living is tough business.

Oh but the sky, the laughter, the beauty, the hope of better- around and within me and ahead of me. This is my reality right now: just keep chugging along; you can make it.

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." -Chinese Proverb
(trials are not just "big," problems, but sometimes just persevering through the monotony of daily requirements in things you don't always want to do)
"What we hope ever to do with ease, we must first learn to do with diligence." -Samuel Johnson
(do your best and just keep chugging)
"True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are united." -Alexander von Humboldt
(keep working out; the fresh air and use of your body feels really good and helps a lot. Doing it with someone else is usually even better)

Learn something new every day

Boring warning (ahooga, ahooga!): turn back now or forever (or for the next five minutes) hold your peace.

Today's Status:
Sitting down to simply work on homework today was a real challenge for me today. It was really good practice for the rest of the week, though! I realized I had a very difficult time; I couldn't FOCUS- I kept having urges to go get something to eat, or listen to music or ANYTHING, just to have something to do. But I didn't; I made myself just sit down and work- FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS (with healthy lunch and walk break in between, which included less walking and more talking with our neighbor, which was really nice!)!!! I STILL didn't finish everything because all the work that I did was just the make-up work for when I was gone, not my actual homework, but I'm still going to allow myself to feel proud of all my hard work, and how much I really got involved and interested in it; and I'm still going to let myself sleep, because I decided I need that more than completed homework tomorrow (no one tell Mr.Finn! Hopefully my six pages of notes will make up for it...).

So, before I keep rambling on and really say more than is necessary on a productive but genuinely boring day, here are some (in my opinion) really incredible quotes from the man who I spent nearly my entire day with- Sir Philip Sidney (he died in the 1500s; don't worry).
(Boring warning at this point retracted; unless you think this is boring, too...it's really all quite relative/subjective, but sometimes even I think what I wrote is boring; that's when you know it's bad! ;p )

"But all (though we do so in different ways), having this scope (aim): to know, and by knowledge to lift up the mind out of the dungeon of the body to the enjoying of his own divine essence."

This one makes more sense in context, where man is created in God's image and it is, therefore, in his nature to create, even to create something better than what presently exists. Poets are freed from the limitations of what "has been, what is, and shall be" to the stretches of the imagination, of what "should be, and what may be." The goal in all of this is "well-doing, not well-knowing."

"...the inward light in each mind hath in itself is as good as a philosopher's book; since in nature (considering that by nature) we know it is well to do well, and what is well, and what is evil, although not in the words of art which philosophers bestow upon us; for out of natural conceit (natural understanding as opposed to the philosophers' special vocabulary) the philosophers drew it. But to be moved to do that which we know, or to be moved with desire to know, hoc upus hic labor est (this is the task, this is the work to be done. Virgil, Aeneid)."

(How cool- I forgot I could use colors! :) )
"For delight we scarcely do but in things that have a conveniency (agreement, correspondance) to ourselves or to the general nature."
I guess they seem slightly less dramatic now...but when I was reading them (in the context of THIRTY PAGES AND FOUR HOURS' WORTH), they were extremely impacting to me. At one incredible point of enjoyment, before lunch, I said to myself (I was the only one home today as I did this, so all of my conversations were held with myself), "Now that is a beautiful moment: when your homework can help you in your journey to become a person..." or something like that. When I said that, it sent chills of excitement through me, because that, precisely, is the vision behind my dream of starting a school. I can't really describe it, but the stuff I was reading today was pretty relevant, pretty exciting.

Of course, I don't still hold as strong a sentiment right now, thinking of how much work I am going to have to do tomorrow, and the ridiculous amount of reading that is piling up...but at least I got to read something of such immense value. To be able to really connect with the ideas of a person from a completely different time period- from an entirely different world- to really feel like, "wow, I get it," when he talks about the place of poetry (and, as an extension, theater), was really incredible.

It makes me feel connected, like people throughout all of history were able to find a certain thread of understanding, and that those threads never dissapear, and that people years down the line, in some random homework assignment, or class, or conversation, will find that same thread and catch hold, and explore the deep colors and intricate patterns of those whose fingers touched it in centuries past; the newcomers, giddy with the excitement of discovery and awed by the honor of understanding, will add their own strands and threads of thought, interpretation, experience, and idea to the chord. (And) somehow, someday, everyone will be holding onto a single chord of threads, a perfect web of thought that connects everyone through time and space and difference in point of view; the diversity of colors will only add to the richness of the final product, not cause fights against each other to destroy or dominate certain sections of it.

That's what poet's do- create fictional ideas of a better reality.
And some poets were called prophets- because eventually... people learned, and it worked...

(Picture taken from blog.doloreslabs.com/topics/colors/; all rights given to David Sparks, Ph.D.)

Cornerstone

As we drove to UNM for the last time this morning, Andrew said, "We are headed to a cornerstone of our lives today." 

He was right. 

I think I value sleep more than verbociousness tonight; I'll let the pictures do some talking of the fun we had. SO, SO incredible. Beyond description, truly. (Which doesn't do much good in a blog, I understand, but I think I've done enough talking about the music the last few days- I can do it no more justice now; in fact, I can offer in far less, now that the concert is ringing in my mind...). 

I will say: Dr. Stroope was an artist and we were his medium; he used us to create something incredible, and I owe him far more than a wooden roadrunner for the experience he has given me over the last three days.  It was far more than just a good time- even more than any of my descriptions of the music or the learning experience. What he gave us was the kind of strand of hope to hold on to even when you're lost in a sea of ocean waves and you feel neither up or down, only a chord in your hand, which you know will hold steady, but which leads to a shore you know nothing about, much less know how far it is away. "Don't settle for less." Those are some of the hardest words to hear (or think, or experience), when you have nothing of that standard in which you can rest- that challenge plunges you into discomfort, and in face of the frustration, you can only trust you were moved to that moment for a reason- no matter how painful it is to leave that moment and return to "real life." That moment was real life too, just a more pure, perfect, wonderful state of it. But perhaps there is better to come. Perhaps I can make things better where there are no opportunities for it to offer itself to me with such a generous gift of invitation and preparendess.

"Everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." -Robert Louis Stevenson

"The first requisite of success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem without growing weary." -Thomas Edison

"The drops of rain make a hole in the stone not by violence but by the oft of falling." -Lucretius 

Tired and for good reason and happily so

The first day of all-state rehearsals today was AMAZING. I have never experienced ANYTHING like it before. I've never sang like that. I've never been directed like that. I've never heard a live sound like that. I've never been an element of MAKING a sound like that. I've never felt the rush of energy when, in some miraculous moment of focus, energy, sensitivity, control, grace, concentration, and also of release, everything is somehow JUST. RIGHT. We build a sound louder and fuller and more dramatic than anything I could have previously imagined and then- WHOOSH: the only sound in the room is the reverberating echos of the note we just released. It's one of the most powerful, awe-inspiring things I've ever experienced.

There are SO many boys, and every single time they sing I just want to stop everything and listen (even when I was on break). The sound comes out so pure and light, so BEAUTIFUL. I've never heard men sing this way before. The girls are also incredible; the sopranos lead in so many ways, and I can really tell the difference when they correct their sound to what our director tells them to; it is always an astonishingly clear difference.

Our director. Wow. Dr. Z. Randall Stroope. He is a composer who actually wrote two of the pieces we will be performing: "I Am Not Yours," and "The Conversion of Saul." To be directed by a person who was moved to CREATE the music I am learning to re-create (if you will) is so strange- so insightful, amazing! To understand the vision behind the sound, the meaning of the texture the notes make with their dynamics and assemblage... this is not just music: we are telling stories, and we use the most precise details to do so. I don't think I ever would have been able to predict understanding music the way I did today. What I mean is, Dr.Stroope would give an instruction, an example, a metaphor or story to explain the theory of it; he would indicate that something is wrong or not what it should be- and I would understand what he meant. I know it is because I have learned so much from Ms.Clark already, but as I phrased it to Andrew, "His directing style, (and his teaching style) is like a different dialect of the language we learned from Ms.Clark). But it is as if his words to directly to my body and I can FEEL what he means. He said music is a love affair, and the difference between a cold stare and a warm embrace is immediately distinguishable and will either turn an audience away or drawn them in. And I feel that- the sound of voices can create both of those things. When it is warm and embracing, alive, like swimming or rowing through water (the most common and powerful of his examples) you can FEEL it as you listen, because it is as if it wraps around your body and holds you. And then, just as shockingly, it can release you- you're outside of it, stunned, allowed to be left there perhaps for the sole reason of wanting back in.

This is so incredible.

On a (more) personal note, I was very flustered with a perpetual feeling of unorganized scattered-ness that had largely to do with the over-full bag I was carrying and how difficult it made it for me to find and place things in there when I needed to. On top of this, I was carrying around a sweater over my arm all day... I felt rather crushed at lunch because I left myself with only 15 minutes to eat after what seemed like meaningless wasted time which I felt I spent unnecessarily trying to gather myself and my things. It all resulted in me losing my all-important name tag, pursued by a slight panic attack, a simple fix of a $1 replacement, a quiet lunch of silence and moments taken to calm down, and finally, a rather wonderful realization that the whole thing could be (and, in fact, was) a good, and not a terrible (or even just bad) thing. What caused me to think of it is a quote that came to mind (with impeccable timing,I must say): (I didn't remember it exactly as it is written, and I didn't know who it's author was, but these details are easily amendable for the sake of this internet-assisted blog)(for the second time ":")

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

I found myself muttering my all-too-familiar apologies for what a wreck I feel I am (heard primarily when I can't find what I need, I can't remember where I put something -which which are similar but not necessarily identical problems-, when I am in a hurry and/or late -again, distinct conditions but often coupled with each other- and other similar situations of awkwardness, preventable, inconvenience of those around me, and overall frustration). In that moment, I realized that this was an outcome I DO NOT LIKE. It is something about myself and the way I do things which I despise. And that's when I realized I was practicing a form of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I decided I would stop complaining about how much I dislike the outcome (and myself for causing it) and take responsibility for my own actions by simply changing what I do! I need to reflect on what it is that is causing my chaos (in these areas), come up with a plan, and actual way in which to improve, and do things differently.

Excellent :)

I'm quite thankful for ALL the lessons I have learned today, in many areas. At the present, I must take advantage of the time I have, prepare a better baggage system for tomorrow (I have already followed Andrew's idea and found a backpack I think will work much better), set out my clothes, make a sack lunch, and enjoy some simply rest and reflection in bed.

I don't mean to get so detail-oriented about things that are probably exceedingly dull to read about (at least in the latter part of this entry; and with no pictures, either! tsk, tsk). I'm afraid I become even more verbocious when I'm tired, you see, and tired would be a very accurate adjective for my present state of being. Tired. Exhausted. It feels like 10-o'clock-I'm-so-ready-for bed...yeah. :) I'm so thankful, so happy, so blessed. Thank you, God for music, for this experience, for my friends, for my life, for my family and my home and my bed, and for the grace to be given the chance to improve and do things better. Amen ~
GOOD NIGHT!

(I already included a quote for today...that's all).

66th NMMEA All-State

It's too late to try to be poetic about it, so I'll get right to the point: Andrew, Chelsea, and I all made the All-State Mixed Choir tonight! I sung small portions of three out of the six songs I memmorized, and after I finnished, my judge wrote a blue star on my right hand, which meant, "I'll see you tomorrow morning for rehearsal; you may go get your seat assignment now; have fun."

Wow.

I can't believe how many fears this audition brought up in me.They did a really amazing thing, though: The very first thing we did as band, choir, and orchestra students who had all been selected from the primary auditions (which really were the ones we had the right to be worried about; this one just had far more hope riding on it, having made it so far and worked so hard already...) were gathered into a HUGE theatre: Pope Joy Hall at UNM. That is the stage we will be performing on, (Saturday 9th at 9:00; adults $7, students $3). We got to listen to a concert of the honor jazz band, which was from Las Cruces. The trumpets and horns amazed me with their soft, floating melodies, and exciting sounds. In the dark of that huge auditorium, it all felt surreal. The music was so calming; I could feel the tension leaving me. The director seemed to laid-back, tapping his foot, moving his hands gently, walking around from student to student, listening, giving small, presumably wordless cues and instructions... as great performers, I could tell they were so involved in the music they were playing. It was FUN. It reminded me, before the stress of trying out to know for sure that all of the information they were giving on the rehearsals of the next two days would even be relevant to me in an hour, the reason why I was there at all: "oh yeah...MUSIC."

Throughout the course of the night, I was amazed at music. After I found out I made it, I peed out my relief (I appolagize if it's TMI), and while I was in the bathroom, a girl walked into a stall a few down from mine, singing one of our songs; when she stopped, I finnished it for her and we both laughed. As I washed my hands, I heard two girls outside practicing a Treble choir song in Italian. Their harmonizing notes floated and echoed through the bathroom, even through the door from the hall where they were sitting, studying their music. The sweet harmonies, the sweet words and phrases stunned me, moved me- so beautiful! In the hall where we were waiting to meet up with each other afterwards, I heard a large group of singers up the stairs on the balcony of the second level, vibrating with the familiar tones of another of the songs we will be sining, my personal favorite: "I am not yours." It reverberated; I could practically feel the low notes move through my body. I could hear all the parts, but it sounded like one voice. People all gathered together like that, having been given the ability (given from their teachers, the opportunity of the experience, and by themselbes and all of the hard work they had put in) to be able to sing together, to create something so beatuiful, so powerful, so gentle and moving and deep...that's when I first felt tears, because tomorrow, I will be a part of that. I will have a place in that wholeness, in that belonging. Oh it will reverberate all right: two hundred and fifty voices all joining sensitively together to create something that will MOVE with purpose and feeling and oneness.

I can't find the page in my book to find the actual word (I will need to track it down at some point because it's my homework) but in English this morning, I learned that the Greek word for poet means a "maker," one who creates something out of nothing. Out of nothing, we will be creating music. Complicated, careful- creation of SOMETHING, using only our bodies; we are poets, and "poetry actively intervenes in the world and transforms it for the better"(Sir Philip Sydney).

As we ate some complimentary pizza (and cookies), a group of people behind us was singing along to a guitar, which also added to my reflection on what an incredible thing this strange substance is, of sound and emotion, bringing people together (or leaving people out), a gift that can be practiced, but not really controlled. Not really. "You can feel a song comming like a dog feels a storm in it's bones." I was joking when I said that, but really: where does it come from? Ms.Clark began improvising on the piano in class yesterday and I was struck by the simply beauty of the melody that flowed effortlessly from her fingertips, the first and only time those notes will probably ever be played exactly that way.

I better stop reflecting on how incredible it all is, because I'm sure the "complicated" fascination of it will seem far less intriguing tomorrow morning at 5:30 when I have to get ready for a 12 hour rehearsal. I cannot even soak this in, though- that I get to do this with two of the most beautiful people I know. To be able to work with such a team is beyond priceless. This is the first and last time I will do this, and could not be more thrilled, more humbly filled with gratitude, awe, excitement... Please, Lord, let me be fully open to the joy you have given me ~ Oh thank You ~

QUOTES (I was going to share them yesterday, too; I've been thinking of them a lot)
"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." -Vincent Van Gogh

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction." -George Horace Lorimer

"Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." -Confucious (I like this one the best of these, I think)

In the Name of Trying: My Plan

School is starting again and I figured I might not be the only one, afterall, who ends up feeling lonely when I get home. With extremely intensified personal anxieties and sadness this semester due to the unchangeable fact that it is my last at Volcano Vista, this is an attemt to try to curb the tendancy towards depression, try to make progress and keep track of the journey, and to try to not feel so alone as I do so. By "make progress" I mean that I'm trying to change the way I live: be more honest to myself, and take time to focus on "this moment" as each one comes, so that I can enjoy the goodness in my life with less fear.

My plan is simple:

1) Take/make time each morning to remember my own existance
(Being aware of your own existance can be fearful, even hopeless. But in face of your own responsibility to yourself, as a person, you are also given an amazing opprtunity: to do the best you can with what you have, in whatever way it comes to you. And in that possibility, the unknown does not need to be something you fear- it can be sunlight, filled with hope. )

2. Get home and finnish homework as soon as possible; get what I need done out of the way without procrastination. (For this, I need a clean, organized workspace -my desk-, a single spot where I can feel settled in mind and spirit to simply focus, work, and get it done).

3. Time managed well will give me more time in the afternoons to do things I need or want to do, such as: rake my backyard, read books, go for runs, paint shelves, and especially, visit friends. (NOTE: STEP 3 IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE DURING THE PRESSURE OF REHEARSAL SCHEDULES, BUT I BELIEVE THE SAME BASIC PRINCIPLE APPLIES ;) )

4. Reflect on my day, in my personal journal or on this blog, or both; whatever I need to do to truly make the most of each day, as best I can.

5. Get to bed on time; give my body the sleep I need.

6. Resume step 1. The proccess may seem repetitive, but the point is that through awareness of my own life (my own moments) and the way I live them, I can find ways in which I can improve as a person (for my own betterment, growth, sanity, and happiness, and hopefully for the benefit of those around me, as well).

This may seem extremely dull already, so I don't blame you if you don't care to follow me in my continued journey of moments. I do invite you to stay, though. Both when we are together and appart, you- dear family and friends in my life- are the ones who give my moments such joy, and thus, give my life reason. THANK YOU ~

I cannot live if I am not able to live in the moments- I will never learn satisfaction (I will live in fear of the future and miss all the beauty around me NOW); I will never truly live in freedom. So I am learning how to live, and it takes practice. Each day I must remind myself what I am trying to do, and how (:relax, focus, enjoy, give!). :)

QUOTES FROM THE MOVEMENT -------------------
"By means of these circumstances, the Mystery (God) wants to rouse us from this anesthetic, to educate us to the awareness of ourselves, to our truth. He awakens us to the awareness for which we were made. He does not allow us to go toward nothingness without caring about us because of His passion for our life, which is the most powerful sign of God's tenderness for us..."

P.S.
I plan to officially begin blogging on Tuesday, January 5th. There was something else I think I was going to tell you but I can't remember. :)
P.S. # 2
AHH YES, I remember now: for those curious to know (all those who are NOT, turn back now and save yourself a rather flabbergasted next couple of minutes as you try to read and understand the following paragraph)... "verbocious" is a word that currently comes up as misspelled, which is probably because when you look it up in a dictionary it does not actually exist, but which Andrew long ago informed me is used to mean something along the lines of: "talks too much and is outstandingly wordy" (or something like that). Or else, perhaps I am just entirely foolish and that never was the word, nor the spelling of the word to begin with, in which case 1) Andrew, at whatever point he decides, if he does decide, to read this, will probably be laughing at my explicit incapability to remember and/or spell correctly, and 2) it's too late now because that is already the link to this site you are currently reading!. Even if it is, however, a made-up word due to entirely silly friends, frankly unavoidable misunderstandings, blissful foolishness , or all of the aforementioned conditions put together, you must agree that it remains, nevertheless, altogether too accurate a term- and thus it stands that "www.verbocious.blogspot.com" is the address to this rather- if you'll oblige me- VERBOCIOUS blog! ;D