Tired and for good reason and happily so

The first day of all-state rehearsals today was AMAZING. I have never experienced ANYTHING like it before. I've never sang like that. I've never been directed like that. I've never heard a live sound like that. I've never been an element of MAKING a sound like that. I've never felt the rush of energy when, in some miraculous moment of focus, energy, sensitivity, control, grace, concentration, and also of release, everything is somehow JUST. RIGHT. We build a sound louder and fuller and more dramatic than anything I could have previously imagined and then- WHOOSH: the only sound in the room is the reverberating echos of the note we just released. It's one of the most powerful, awe-inspiring things I've ever experienced.

There are SO many boys, and every single time they sing I just want to stop everything and listen (even when I was on break). The sound comes out so pure and light, so BEAUTIFUL. I've never heard men sing this way before. The girls are also incredible; the sopranos lead in so many ways, and I can really tell the difference when they correct their sound to what our director tells them to; it is always an astonishingly clear difference.

Our director. Wow. Dr. Z. Randall Stroope. He is a composer who actually wrote two of the pieces we will be performing: "I Am Not Yours," and "The Conversion of Saul." To be directed by a person who was moved to CREATE the music I am learning to re-create (if you will) is so strange- so insightful, amazing! To understand the vision behind the sound, the meaning of the texture the notes make with their dynamics and assemblage... this is not just music: we are telling stories, and we use the most precise details to do so. I don't think I ever would have been able to predict understanding music the way I did today. What I mean is, Dr.Stroope would give an instruction, an example, a metaphor or story to explain the theory of it; he would indicate that something is wrong or not what it should be- and I would understand what he meant. I know it is because I have learned so much from Ms.Clark already, but as I phrased it to Andrew, "His directing style, (and his teaching style) is like a different dialect of the language we learned from Ms.Clark). But it is as if his words to directly to my body and I can FEEL what he means. He said music is a love affair, and the difference between a cold stare and a warm embrace is immediately distinguishable and will either turn an audience away or drawn them in. And I feel that- the sound of voices can create both of those things. When it is warm and embracing, alive, like swimming or rowing through water (the most common and powerful of his examples) you can FEEL it as you listen, because it is as if it wraps around your body and holds you. And then, just as shockingly, it can release you- you're outside of it, stunned, allowed to be left there perhaps for the sole reason of wanting back in.

This is so incredible.

On a (more) personal note, I was very flustered with a perpetual feeling of unorganized scattered-ness that had largely to do with the over-full bag I was carrying and how difficult it made it for me to find and place things in there when I needed to. On top of this, I was carrying around a sweater over my arm all day... I felt rather crushed at lunch because I left myself with only 15 minutes to eat after what seemed like meaningless wasted time which I felt I spent unnecessarily trying to gather myself and my things. It all resulted in me losing my all-important name tag, pursued by a slight panic attack, a simple fix of a $1 replacement, a quiet lunch of silence and moments taken to calm down, and finally, a rather wonderful realization that the whole thing could be (and, in fact, was) a good, and not a terrible (or even just bad) thing. What caused me to think of it is a quote that came to mind (with impeccable timing,I must say): (I didn't remember it exactly as it is written, and I didn't know who it's author was, but these details are easily amendable for the sake of this internet-assisted blog)(for the second time ":")

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

I found myself muttering my all-too-familiar apologies for what a wreck I feel I am (heard primarily when I can't find what I need, I can't remember where I put something -which which are similar but not necessarily identical problems-, when I am in a hurry and/or late -again, distinct conditions but often coupled with each other- and other similar situations of awkwardness, preventable, inconvenience of those around me, and overall frustration). In that moment, I realized that this was an outcome I DO NOT LIKE. It is something about myself and the way I do things which I despise. And that's when I realized I was practicing a form of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I decided I would stop complaining about how much I dislike the outcome (and myself for causing it) and take responsibility for my own actions by simply changing what I do! I need to reflect on what it is that is causing my chaos (in these areas), come up with a plan, and actual way in which to improve, and do things differently.

Excellent :)

I'm quite thankful for ALL the lessons I have learned today, in many areas. At the present, I must take advantage of the time I have, prepare a better baggage system for tomorrow (I have already followed Andrew's idea and found a backpack I think will work much better), set out my clothes, make a sack lunch, and enjoy some simply rest and reflection in bed.

I don't mean to get so detail-oriented about things that are probably exceedingly dull to read about (at least in the latter part of this entry; and with no pictures, either! tsk, tsk). I'm afraid I become even more verbocious when I'm tired, you see, and tired would be a very accurate adjective for my present state of being. Tired. Exhausted. It feels like 10-o'clock-I'm-so-ready-for bed...yeah. :) I'm so thankful, so happy, so blessed. Thank you, God for music, for this experience, for my friends, for my life, for my family and my home and my bed, and for the grace to be given the chance to improve and do things better. Amen ~
GOOD NIGHT!

(I already included a quote for today...that's all).