Just keep chugging

This is for me, not for "you," so I'll stop apologizing for how boring it is; "checking in" at the end of the day keeps me accountable and reminds me there's a whole other world out there...

So quite basically, today was very difficult. I had a tough time dealing with people and tasks and starting homework seemed impossible with everything on my mind. I went to Maraposa park and worked out though; I ran and used their outdoor workout equipment. When I came back I felt cleansed, calmed and content. I didn't get as much done as I needed to (I'm going to go work on some now), and I am truly quite frightened by the amount of AP English and AP Government work it seems I will have this semester...on top of the senior project. When added to the prospect of dealing with the looming chaos of a play, it is honestly terrifying, overwhelming, impossible; I'm also going to be trying to do an internship and get the hours for NHS that I need... wow.

So quite basically, this is pretty difficult. I'm having a tough time dealing with all of the different imputs of chaos. I said over the break that we naturally protect yourself from things like chaos (of many kinds) by disconnecting. Well, disconnecting is the opposite of my goal: my goal is awareness, involvement in my own existence. So... so this is going to be a challenge. It's going to be pretty hard. I have so little patience with people and they're problems as of late, probably mostly because I feel like it's pointless to try to convince people to do better for themselves if they won't let themselves listen; if they won't make the choice to make better decisions to help themselves, why should I spend my time and emotion trying to do for them what they won't even accept in themselves? This makes me feel hard and cold and without much empathy or compassion. I wish I could just have some time to try to allow compassion to ebb back into me without having to go to school the next day and be faced with situations where I have to practice it. It's all a bit complicated.

Laughter is wonderful, though. I love it. It makes me want more and more. It makes it hard to go home and do homework because all I want is more laughter; I want to follow it and spend all my time enjoying it's carefree comfort.

I want to cope. I want to handle these classes, these endeavors, these tasks. I want to handle myself and take care of myself, and keep things in balance. It's a lot to try to do. Living is tough business.

Oh but the sky, the laughter, the beauty, the hope of better- around and within me and ahead of me. This is my reality right now: just keep chugging along; you can make it.

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." -Chinese Proverb
(trials are not just "big," problems, but sometimes just persevering through the monotony of daily requirements in things you don't always want to do)
"What we hope ever to do with ease, we must first learn to do with diligence." -Samuel Johnson
(do your best and just keep chugging)
"True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are united." -Alexander von Humboldt
(keep working out; the fresh air and use of your body feels really good and helps a lot. Doing it with someone else is usually even better)